The rules of London (very funny)

Hey guys,

I found this on a facebook group. I usually can't be arsed with stupid facebook, but this had a shred of intelligence and entertainment merit. I think New Yorkers and LAers will identify with it too....


These are the rules of London we should all abide by. Particularly annoying people. Please add more. We can change this city.

I’ve now lived in London for nearly three interesting years and been moulded from a fresh faced newbie from the sticks into a mean spirited, hard nosed Londonite well versed in navigating through crowds and getting swiftly from A to B. Initially the manic congestion and over fraught crowds were quite intimidating and I look on sympathetically as tube virgins and tour groups get swept away by tides of stern faced and exhausted commuters. Therefore, in my boredom, I have written my definitive rules of London, a list of taboos that should never be violated to ensure happiness for all. On a personal level there is a grace of two violations before you’re allowed to call your journey ‘a nightmare trip’ and use it to excuse being late for work, being moody and being utterly unproductive.

“Sorry I’m late boss, I had a nightmare journey today, I didn’t get a seat and some moron tried to get on the train with a dinning room table.”

“I know how you feel, someone got trapped in the doors today, he was never getting in.”

“Idiots.”

“Have the day off Max, you poor lamb.”

1) Large crowds in London are literally human traffic so the following laws apply at all times. There are two lanes and everyone walks on the left. Most importantly you NEVER SUDDENLY STOP. This is idiocy and the ramifications can be felt a mile back and is responsible for 3,000 deaths a year.. If you need to stop you look over your shoulder first, there may be a city boy speeding off to a meeting who may rear end you. Be considerate.

2) Old people shouldn’t be allowed out between 8am -10am and 4:30pm to 6pm. They are serial offenders of the first rule, stopping randomly with total disregard for other citizens well being. Particularly at the bottom of escalators when they get disorientated by new surroundings and cause a pile up of human bodies behind them. Also they’ve got nowhere to go and Morrison’s is open literally 24 hours. No excuse.

3) There is no reason whatsoever to walk backwards in London. Just got some cash out of the machine? Good for you. Survey your surroundings. Then walk. Just realised you’ve gone the wrong way? Suddenly stopped? AND STARTED WALKING BACKWARDS!?!? Unforgivable. I’m walking into the back of you out of principle.

4) You’re not allowed to tut anyone as it is too condescending. No one tuts me, my Mum never has, nor my school teachers. I don’t need some stroppy slapper tutting me because I trod on her toes. You should look where you’re going and not read the paper you stupid bint. We’ll come to paper protocol later.

5) The big problem with tutting me is I still haven’t discovered a decent retort. I can’t tut you back as it just seems petty and uninspired. To avoid this quandary I have become the Billy the Kid of the underground and tut everyone first. Bam! How do you like them apples?

6) Don’t listen to music on your mobile phone you scum bag. Its not just that is loud and you’re listening to Grime it’s also that the quality is poor. Surely you’d enjoy it more with headphones? Kids today.

7) You’re not allowed to carry more than three things on the tube. Handbag and paper? Fine. Two rucksacks? Pushing it but if you’re considerate its allowed. Three bags? No way. A TV and plant? Get a removal van you cheapskate.

The tube is dull and I will nosey at anything on the tube, you leave your privacy at the door when you get in a close confined space with strangers. If you have an interesting book? I’m reading over your shoulders.
Got an i-touch? I wanna watch what your watching. Playing a DS? Ohhh which game? Wearing a low cut top? I shouldn‘t look/be obvious but screw it.

9) Not moving down inside the carriage so we can all get on. Don’t make me be the bloke who shouts “can you move down please!”

10) When everyone has squeezed on so tight my face is in some blokes armpit, his BO burning my eyes and struggling to breathe don’t shout “can you move down please!” because then I’ll just shout back “one moment, I’m just learning to shrink” in an annoyed/slightly psychotic manner.

11) Londoners have a really annoying habit which really gets my back up, its when someone pushes or grabs you and then says “Excuse me.” Because now you’ve pushed me over the edge and I don’t understand English and/or forgotten how to walk. If you do manoeuvre past me I’ll tut you. Try that on for size bitch.

12) Why are Polish builders always drinking on the tube? Is this the secret of their success? Does drinking aid your plastering skills?

13) My least favourite offence, which has prompted the most nasty response from me is the self-important-idiot-at-the-back-of-a-very-congested-carriage-who-has-just-realised-that-this-is-their-stop-but-can’t-grasp-the-fact-that-everyone-else-is-getting-off-here-so-barges-forward. It’s a rare one but worth being mentioned. This happened once when the tube was pulling into Leicester Square and, as we all know, EVERYONE gets off at Leicester Square. Well in this instance a woman behind me, in her twenties but obviously thinking she ruled the world, shrieked “excuse me this is my stop!” Failing to note that everyone had turned to the door and picked up their belongings. She then started struggling past people, making decent progress until she came across me, ready and waiting and channelling Michael Douglas in Falling Down. She just brazenly put her arm across me, virtually chopping me in the throat, “EXCUSE ME!” she shouted. Obviously grossly offended at my penchant for waiting patiently.

“Everyone’s getting off here!” I said firmly. Slapping her hand away.

“Oh…” she said. Temporarily pausing and reviewing the situation and then again attempting to wrestle me aside. And then I lost my rag and held her back like an insolent child, all pretence had dropped and we both became embroiled in a very petty and childish game that I was determined not to lose. As everyone shuffled out she kept attempting to over take me only to find I’d blocked her off, keeping an eye on her in my periphery. Eventually she circled round, shoving through the crowd and got in front of me, but I followed her, tripping the back of her heel every couple of paces. Incredibly satisfying. I must have done this fifteen times before she got through the barriers. Glaring at me like the she-witch she was. I personally felt awesome. Like the guy who tells his boss he quits in front of everyone and throws paper in his face. I felt like the post modern Braveheart.

If we’d have been alone and it was the last train I would have thrown her body on the tracks.

14) Oh and people shouldn't put their free paper behind my head so it unravels against my neck. Why didn't you put it behind your head?

15) If you're sitting on the tube and the seat next to you is free don't leave the end of your jacket encroaching on the spare seat. When i walk in I will pause to allow you to move it but if you don't I will sit down which, predicably will lead you to tutting me and angryily pulling the tail of your coat from under my bum. I gave you warning mate so now i will play subtle elbow wars for the arm rest. Its like the Cold War with repressed people.

17) Pregnant women should announce themselves upon entering a carriage and demand a seat. I’ve nothing against pregnant women, my Mum was one once, but they take up an awful lot of room standing up and there is nothing more irritating than having a woman hovering around you with an expectant look on her face. You don’t always know they’re there, you’re too busy reading your paper when suddenly you get this uneasy feeling you‘re being watched and that you’re meant to be doing something. Then you notice her standing there with pleading eyes. Is she pregnant? Maybe, could she just be wearing an unflattering jacket? Or maybe she’s just selectively fat? Maybe she’s one of those people who are always fainting?

I don’t intuitively know people are pregnant. I’m not one of the X-men. I can’t read your mind. Meet me half way here and at least be reading a book on child birth or baby names. It would solve a lot of problems if they just came in, firmly cleared their throat and declared “I AM PREGNANT AND NEED A SEAT.”

And if you are pregnant, and you’ve finally got a seat, don’t guilt trip everyone and say “Thanks. I wondered when someone would offer me a seat.” We didn’t see you. I was busy doing suduko and looking the other way. The world doesn’t revolve around you. Even if you are big enough to have your own gravitational field.

I personally like to stand up just as someone has already offered theirs. It makes me feel absolved of guilt.

18) All kids under three years old should sit on their parents laps, not on their own seats, which they’re too small to fill. If the tube had overhead lockers I’d insist they go in there.

19) Don’t bring your dogs on the tube. They don’t have an oyster card.

20) Don’t bring your bike on the tube. Its very awkward. Cycle instead.

21) Escalator rules are incredibly simple but fox people on a daily basis. You stand stationary on the right and walk on the left. Not rocket science. If you stand on the right logic should dictate that you keep all static objects on the right. Got a pram with you? Keep it in front of you. Small child? Stands in front of you. Suitcase? Goes in front of you. Bag of primark shopping? Inbetween your feet. There is absolutely no point having this system if you barricade the left hand side with immoveable obstacles. If you come across a road block (and you will) you are allowed to gruffly kick/step over/ram past/tread on said object and to grumble loudly. How these people function is beyond me.

A more subtle side to this rule again applies to my least favourite underground users; old people. You know when you go to a swimming pool, and you’re using the fast lane? Well some old creaky geriatric always gets in and propels themselves around with all the enthusiasm of an asthmatic turtle, thus forcing all the other punters to politely adopt a more pedestrian pace. Same thing happens on the underground. You’re about to bound down to the bottom of the escalator on the left hand side when some old biddy steps out and cautiously ambles down the stairs, bringing both feet to a solid stop on each individual step. Many a time a devil has appeared on my shoulder and told me to push them forward and surf to the bottom on their body.

Don’t walk on the left unless all your faculties are functioning.

22) Don’t weave. As stated in rule 1) you should walk at all times on the left. Try to walk parallel to the wall and don’t veer into my path. I forgot this rule entirely during the first draft but had an altercation with a rogue pedestrian earlier today, I now feel compelled to document this.

23) This rule governs how one should use a pedestrian crossing when waiting for the green man in a large crowd of commuters. When the chequered flag drops you should head directly to the other side, each side naturally shifting to their left hand side to let others pass. Unfortunately there is always someone who ruins the system for everyone and feels compelled to suicidally cross diagonally from left to right (or vice - versa), probably to shave seconds off their own journey and ignoring the fact everyone else has to stop to avoid tripping them. This is exceedingly annoying. I suggest tripping them up. Eventually they’ll learn/get injured/die.

24) Another thing which annoys me and harks back to my heady days as a runner for a film company in London is the propensity for idiots to imitate your time saving techniques without consideration of the wider picture. The scenario is this, you have a package to deliver and a road to cross, suddenly the traffic grinds to a halt and you realise you can cross the road by sliding between two stationary vehicles. You step off the curb and begin to slide through when you notice a moron on the other side has seen this and thinks ‘that’s a great idea’ and does the same.

You meet in the middle with no fucking room to manoeuvre. You look at each other for a moment and become entangled in a very awkward dance which lasts an eternity. If you’re lucky you’ll shuffle past him and be on your way without too much trouble. However if you’re in London chances are EVERY OTHER LEMMING will copy you and soon you find yourself wedged in-between two vehicles and fifty fuck wits with nowhere to go, the cars start trying to move and honk furiously and the whole thing descends into a fiasco. What started as a fool proof manoeuvre guaranteed to cut ten seconds off your journey evolves in an infuriating scrum that delays you twenty seconds and makes you wish you owned a gun.

That’s why I don’t live in America.

That and Americans.

25) If the tube carriage is busy and you insist on being the last person on the train I will insist on laughing when the carriage door closes on your head. Its really funny in a ‘ohhhh that really hurts sort of way.’ I particularly like it when someone leaps onto the carriage right in the middle of the door, smiles triumphantly at their ability to push their way on and then has both doors slam on either side of their head like a steam powered nut cracker. Brilliant. Its like watching the old guy on ‘You’re Been Framed’ getting hit in the head by a Frisbee. But better.

If it’s a good day the driver will add a well timed announcement to the effect of “can the idiot in carriage 4 move away from the closing door.”

Sometimes I secretly pretend I crushed his head with the doors with the power of my mind. Like a vindictive member of the X-Men who channels karma and is a borderline moron.

26) If you use a train ticket/oyster card at the barrier and it doesn’t work please move to one side and alert an attendant. DO NOT just stand there shouting “excuse me! I say can someone help!” There are 500 people who want to go to work and you’re blocking the only barrier with your predictably upper crust frame. I’ve seen this happen literally dozens of times and rarely do people move until they’ve had assistance and/or someone yells at them. People should not only be more considerate but should also fear the mob, I’ve seen the footage of the Ikea riots in Enfield and feel that on occasions stupid and rude commuters are dangerously close to getting lynched. I’m sure one day riots in major cities will be linked to imbeciles in seemingly trivial situations moaning about their tickets.

A butterfly flaps its wings and some where else a tornado is created. Or something. Same applies here.