Hi jake!
Looks like a good start. I also agree with Ben and Clays advice. It does require more acting.
Here's a little acting tip:
++ Order of Operations ++
*Thinking leads to conclusions
*Those conclusions provoke emotions
*Those emotions result into actions
"The mind is the pilot"
Disney
other notes...
With the OTS shot in the beginning don't forget to add some subtle motion with the girl,
nothing too big or it'll steal your shot.